i love accidental penises.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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