Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize