My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm like, not good at living.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize