I wish I could teleport
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
