I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I came so hard my ears popped.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
