I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
and you fell through a lawn chair
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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