Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
