Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
