I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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