Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
