You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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