I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
