Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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