Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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