You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The Olympian is in my bed
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize