I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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