Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Drunk is a universal language darling
he high fived his dick after we had sex
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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