I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
