DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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