We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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