Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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