i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
