I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
