This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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