Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
