I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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