ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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