Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I had to cum in my sink.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
