You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
