I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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