I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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