New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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