It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
