Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
