my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
