if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
