Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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