i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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