I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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