you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
