i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
