His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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