just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
