Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize