Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
