True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
