Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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