Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
