i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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