My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
