i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
