He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
