genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
