first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
So apparently I’m into choking now
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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