Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
