Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
