the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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