So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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