I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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