We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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