Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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