She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize