did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
