my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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